Tag Archives: depression

About Me

24 Jan

A few things about me (the short version):

I like books, daffodils, chai lattes and blogs. I recently married my college sweetheart and got a pixie cut. Next up: world domination.

Photo of author

Feelin’ sassy with the new haircut

A few things about me (the long version):

I am currently in therapy. I don’t know how much I’ll talk about it on here other than to say this. As of now, it’s still pretty early in the process, and I don’t know how much I want to share with family, friends, and/or a faceless void possibly comprised of tens of anonymous readers. That said, the basics are: I was really depressed for a long time. I realized I was depressed, took a long time to figure out I might need therapy, sought therapy, am now in therapy and feeling less depressed. I am very hard on myself a lot of the time. I’m the kind of perfectionist who does not do things rather than do them and fail/have them not be perfect. My therapist is Gestalt-trained, which is a weird (to me, anyways) sort of therapy that (to the best of my understanding) works by examining tension in your body and connecting it to the emotions you’re repressing when you feel these tensions, and the root causes. I think it’s helping.

All my cousins on my dad’s side of the family call our grandmother Nonie. That’s because she is Italian and wanted to be called Nana, but I, the firstborn grandkid, couldn’t pronounce it and my version stuck. (I’m actually pretty proud of that.)

I have a yellow cat named Saffron that we adopted when she was a year old. Her paperwork says she shares my birthday, but that is of course the vet’s best guess. My husband J thought it was a sign anyways. Her name is inspired both by her coloring and by a character on Joss Whedon’s short-lived, much-beloved show Firefly. This should tell you pretty much everything you need to know about what kind of cat she is (a cat who will pee in inappropriate spots at inopportune moments, like on my umbrella before I leave for work on a rainy day), and quite a lot about what kind of nerds J and I are (Browncoats!).

Photo of author's yellow cat

My gorgeous cat, who may or may not be plotting murder or escape at any given moment.

J’s a freelance scenic designer. Sometimes he goes off and does theater somewhere else, sometimes for a month. Since we live in a 400 square-foot apartment, that’s not always a bad thing.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer, then a marine biologist, then an oncologist, then a writer again, then an actor, then manager of a theater company. Now that I’ve grown up I have no clue.

I work for an advertising agency because a)paycheck and b) health insurance. But if you’re a prospective employer who stumbled upon this blog, I was taking time to explore another possible career path. Having confirmed that it is not the career path for me, I am eager to return to the world of nonprofit administration.

I grew up in Northern NY, about 10 minutes away from the Canadian border, in a small-ish town that is big for the county it’s in (or it used to be—it’s kind of dying now as the industries that supported it are moving away.) My husband J grew up in Central NY in a tiny town about an hour away from the mall where I used to go back-to-school shopping each year (which is 3 hours away from my hometown.) We met my first month of freshman year in a theater program at a SUNY in the Hudson Valley. Now we live in Brooklyn, after a brief detour to Southern Indiana. We got married at a vineyard in the Finger Lakes in September of 2012. We really like living in NY state.

Photo of author and her husband in Halloween costumes

Us in our Halloween costumes, which cost us $8 total. (He was a cowboy, I was Rosie the Riveter.)

(I over-use parentheticals.)

If you’ve read this far, I am very pleasantly surprised! And I would also like to know as much or as little about you as you’d like to share, so please leave a comment if you have the time.


Expectations and Birds

23 Jan

Hello Internets.

I know you very well. A Google search (I’m not a monetized blogger so I don’t use/push Bing) would imply that you, Internets, know me pretty well too, judging by my LinkedIn, Facebook, Goodreads, Twitter, and Pinterest pages.

It’s true that these profiles and collections reveal quite a bit about me. But I’ve been holding back an awful lot. I even had a blog before (and a LiveJournal before that–two, in fact), but I still held a lot back. I’ve been watching communities for the better part of a decade now at fan fiction sites, on blogs, in the comments on websites. Like I’ve been waiting to be the real me before getting involved. I’ve wanted to be involved, I’ve made some really half-hearted attempts in the past, but ultimately I have held myself back. Because I wasn’t enough yet. Good enough, fun enough, smart enough, big enough, thin enough, handy enough, creative enough, funny enough, sexy enough, kind enough, conscious enough, well enough, ENOUGH enough. (Enough is a really strange-looking word, isn’t it?) Not being enough kept me paralyzed, forever watching but not participating, not allowing myself to really go after the things I want.

SO. All of that feeling like not enough of course led me to therapy. Eventually. I think that’s another post or several. I just didn’t have a particularly good way to transition to this: I need to stop with the not being enough. Enough, already! This is where I am right now, this is what and who I am right now. Full disclosure: I still don’t really think it’s enough, but I think one of the ways to get over that is to just do things anyway.

Now, this is part of a cycle for me. After I’ve been down on myself for a while, I start to perk back up and say “Ok! I am good at things! I can do stuff!” (Usually it’s a bit more specific than that.) And I make very ambitious lists and audacious goals and after two weeks the weight of all the THINGS and STUFF I need to do crashes right back down on me and I go back to thinking I’m a failure for not being able to accomplish anything at all.

Case in point: below are all the things on my list right now.

-My husband J and I are making big plans for redoing the bathroom (actually, we tackled that this past weekend. ACCOMPLISHMENT) and re-arranging the bedroom and maybe also painting the kitchen and oh yeah buying new rugs for the bedroom.

-Separately, I’m following along with Apartment Therapy’s January Cure, though I’ve already fallen way behind.

-I want a new job and in my head I need to have it by March. Why? Not sure. But it ideally involves my passion. Only trouble is, I’ve been mixed-up for some time now over just what is my “passion.”

-I’m blogging again. At least in draft form. I want to have a blog that lets me interact with a lot of the smart, funny people I’ve come across online (and maybe a few in real life, too). I don’t know how often I’ll post to start, but I wanted to start.

-I want to build myself a website. Stretch my creaky HTML & CSS muscles.

-The aforementioned Mighty List. The goals I’m tackling first? “Become a morning person” and “Read all 100 books on the Guardian’s Top 100 Novels list”. No way I could possibly fall short of those, right? (/sarcasm)

So usually I would look at all of these things on my list and get scared and down on myself, but I think the therapy is actually working. I look at my goals and remember what Anne Lamott shared in a few of her books: “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”

Bird #1 is in the bag.