Tag Archives: job search

Expectations and Birds

23 Jan

Hello Internets.

I know you very well. A Google search (I’m not a monetized blogger so I don’t use/push Bing) would imply that you, Internets, know me pretty well too, judging by my LinkedIn, Facebook, Goodreads, Twitter, and¬†Pinterest¬†pages.

It’s true that these profiles and collections reveal quite a bit about me. But I’ve been holding back an awful lot. I even had a blog before (and a LiveJournal before that–two, in fact), but I still held a lot back. I’ve been watching communities for the better part of a decade now at fan fiction sites, on blogs, in the comments on websites. Like I’ve been waiting to be the real me before getting involved. I’ve wanted to be involved, I’ve made some really half-hearted attempts in the past, but ultimately I have held myself back. Because I wasn’t enough yet. Good enough, fun enough, smart enough, big enough, thin enough, handy enough, creative enough, funny enough, sexy enough, kind enough, conscious enough, well enough, ENOUGH enough. (Enough is a really strange-looking word, isn’t it?) Not being enough kept me paralyzed, forever watching but not participating, not allowing myself to really go after the things I want.

SO. All of that feeling like not enough of course led me to therapy. Eventually. I think that’s another post or several. I just didn’t have a particularly good way to transition to this: I need to stop with the not being enough. Enough, already! This is where I am right now, this is what and who I am right now. Full disclosure: I still don’t really think it’s enough, but I think one of the ways to get over that is to just do things anyway.

Now, this is part of a cycle for me. After I’ve been down on myself for a while, I start to perk back up and say “Ok! I am good at things! I can do stuff!” (Usually it’s a bit more specific than that.) And I make very ambitious lists and audacious goals and after two weeks the weight of all the THINGS and STUFF I need to do crashes right back down on me and I go back to thinking I’m a failure for not being able to accomplish anything at all.

Case in point: below are all the things on my list right now.

-My husband J and I are making big plans for redoing the bathroom (actually, we tackled that this past weekend. ACCOMPLISHMENT) and re-arranging the bedroom and maybe also painting the kitchen and oh yeah buying new rugs for the bedroom.

-Separately, I’m following along with Apartment Therapy’s January Cure, though I’ve already fallen way behind.

-I want a new job and in my head I need to have it by March. Why? Not sure. But it ideally involves my passion. Only trouble is, I’ve been mixed-up for some time now over just what is my “passion.”

-I’m blogging again. At least in draft form. I want to have a blog that lets me interact with a lot of the smart, funny people I’ve come across online (and maybe a few in real life, too). I don’t know how often I’ll post to start, but I wanted to start.

-I want to build myself a website. Stretch my creaky HTML & CSS muscles.

-The aforementioned Mighty List. The goals I’m tackling first? “Become a morning person” and “Read all 100 books on the Guardian’s Top 100 Novels list”. No way I could possibly fall short of those, right? (/sarcasm)

So usually I would look at all of these things on my list and get scared and down on myself, but I think the therapy is actually working. I look at my goals and remember what Anne Lamott shared in a few of her books: “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.”

Bird #1 is in the bag.

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